1. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
2. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
3. KATE GOSSELIN VIRUS: Keeps changing its appearance and refuses to go away, even after no one cares whether or not it is still present.
4. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
5. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. Also tries to take over all media on your computer.
6. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
7. THE VERIZON WIRELESS VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
8. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
9. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
10. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
11. 2012 VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really uncomfortable just thinking about it.
12. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
13. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
14. TIGER WOODS VIRUS: Corrupts 121 different files on your hard drive while claiming to be corrupt just one.
15. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
16. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
17. MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identifiy because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but your nose may fall off.
18. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
19. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
20. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
21. PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
22. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
23. DR. CONRAD MURRAY VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
24. NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!
25. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
26. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.
27. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS II: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
28. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
29. TILA TEQUILA VIRUS: Is completely irrelevant and no one cares about it. Tries to launch new sites in your browser.
30. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
31. HEALTHCARE VIRUS: Will take your anti-virus software and share it with any other PC's in the neighborhood that lack protection.
32. GEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS: No one knows what this virus does as it is completely unintelligible.
33. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
34. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
35. BALTIMORE ORIOLES VIRUS: Will cause your PC to make frequent mistakes and come in last in the reviews, but you still try to love it anyway.
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